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copingwithlupus
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I've been depressed for the last 6 months now. I know it, and yet can't (won't?) do anything to change it. My therapist and i are trying to work through it without the use of drugs... but i'm starting to give up hope of being happy again. I was afraid of more drugs... but i'm on so many... what's one more? *sigh* I've been to a fun waterpark, went on 2 vacations (one being a dream vacation), seen friends and family... and there's still a part of me saying... "Why are you doing these fun things? You don't deserve to be happy." I can remember sliding down a waterslide and laughing out loud. The only thought that went through my head was, "Hey! I remember this! This is having fun!". And then once the experience is over, I'm sad again. I've watched those commercials about depression and about pushing those who care about you away. Its true. My family and friends love me, yet I can't get over how I don't deserve their love or time or friendship. That I'm a failure because I have no job (can't work right now), no boyfriend (who wants all my extra baggage?) and live at home (almost 30 and living with my parents). My mom says i'm too hard on myself and that i can't expect to live the life my siblings have with my medical history, and in my head i know its true... but I just can't shake this feeling of failure. Why can't I be normal? I've been dx'd with lupus, arthritis, sclero, etc. for 3.5 years and my docs were watching me in the beginning for signs of depression. When they started to show about a year ago, they sent me to a therapist. Its like they were waiting for it. Have any or all of you gone through this? My worst days include the thoughts already written here, plus the famous: "There's no hope i'm going to get better, i might as well just die now. Why bother do anything? you're never going to change, just get sicker." There are good days... just so few.
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